


It's Easier This Way

by teddybeare12



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alien Planet, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family, but its a flower, cursing, im not sorry, like a lot, truth serum sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-05 10:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddybeare12/pseuds/teddybeare12
Summary: Lance has issues, but why tell the team? They don't need his problems. Well, it looks like he won't have much of a choice after getting infected by a poisonous flower that forces him to tell the truth. What will the others think?





	It's Easier This Way

**Author's Note:**

> Okay... first things first.
> 
> This is my first fic, so I hope it's not complete crap.
> 
> I gotta warn you, there's probably going to be some triggering stuff in this. Read the tags for more.
> 
> Basically, this is just me venting on my poor child Lance.

Shit!

 

Lance was not prepared for this.

 

Here he was, minding his own business, and he just goes and blurts out the truth! Which, to be clear, is not okay. He'd been hiding it for so long and then boom! Completely revealed in seconds. He should have known not to touch that stupid flower! God, he was stupid.

 

_Yes. You're completely stupid and pathetic. Only a fuck up like you would make a mistake like this._

 

It was fine. He already knew all of these things. What did it matter anyway?

 

The team had gone down to an alien planet to hopefully help gain an ally for Voltron. It was a black planet with lots of species of plants and animals. The main inhabitants were these tall, lanky beings that were incredibly skinny. They almost could have been skeletons. Some of them had thin silver hair coming out of their scalps and others were simply bald. They looked like monsters you would see in your nightmares. In fact, the whole planet kind of seemed like a nightmare. Even the plants and animals were differing shades of silver and grey. If you looked hard enough, you might see the occasional pop of red, but the planet was mostly monochromatic.

 

Now, if Lance had been listening during the debriefing instead of getting caught up in his mind (again), then he would have known to not (repeat: NOT) touch the glowing silver flower with red thorns. But, Lance hadn't been listening, and he didn't know this crucial information.

 

So what did he do the second he saw the alluring flower? He touched it. And got pricked. And passed out.

 

_Great job, dumbass. Of course it would be you to do that._

 

When Lance had woken up from the healing pod, he'd gotten many worried (and, frankly, annoyed) looking faces.

 

"Oh my gosh, Lance!" Hunk yelled, wrapping him in a hug. "I'm so glad you're alright!"

 

_No, he's not. He just pitys you._

 

"What happened?" Lance asked. He hugged Hunk back as sincerely as he could muster even though he knew the act of care was feigned.

 

"You touched the flower, you idiot," Keith's voice rang clear with a hint of annoyance. "Why did you do that?"

 

"It looked pretty, and I wanted to," Lance said, trying to ease the tension a bit. 

 

Pidge struggled back a laugh, but Allura just sighed and rolled her eyes with a slight smile.

 

Coran was the one to speak up, "Yes, my boy. The Torajan Flower of Torajor. We discussed it's poisonous effects in the debriefing before leaving. Were you not listening?"

 

_See. This is what happens every time. You can't even deny that all you do is mess up._

 

Quick come up with an excuse.

 

"No," Lance was surprised to hear himself say. "I wasn't listening at all." Well, that happened. "What the heck?" Lance asked loudly.

 

"Lance, that's a side effect of the plant," Shiro spoke up. "You're forced to answer questions with the truth."

 

_Oh, fuck. You're in trouble. Don't let them get suspicious. Don't bother them with your problems._

 

"Lance? Are you quite alright?" Allura asked, voice filled with concern. "You got very pale all of a sudden."

 

"No. I'm not alright." Lance responded. _Shit._ "How long does this last?" He asked desperately.

 

"About a quintant, I think," Coran responded.

 

Could Lance make it through a whole day without revealing his secret? God, he could only hope so. He couldn't tell them this. He couldn't.

 

Pidge snickered. "Why are you so nervous? You got a secret or something?"

 

"Yes," Lance stated plainly.

 

"Oh, yeah." Keith scoffed. "I'm sure it's a secret crush or something."

 

Lance forced out a laugh. "Yeah! That's exactly what it is. Oh, God! I'm so embarrassed!"

 

Hunk looked at his friend and narrowed his eyes. Lance was obviously hiding something, and Hunk was worried but knew him well enough to know not to push him. Lance would tell him eventually... probably.

 

"Well, I'm... uh... going to go..." Lance said nervously, already half out of the room.

 

"Wait, where are you going?" Pidge asked. She was starting to get concerned. Could his secret be that bad?

 

"To hide." A pause. "Dammit!"

 

Once Lance was gone, the team shared a concerned look.

 

"Okay, what?" Pidge was the first to speak up.

 

"The heck is he hiding that's that bad?" Keith asked. He was pacing the room, racking his brain to see if there were any clues.

 

"Yes, he's acting rather odd," Allura said. She glanced over to Shiro, hoping that he could provide some helpful advice, but he looked just as confused as she was.

 

"We could always just ask him." Pidge shrugged. "He'll have to tell us."

 

"Pidge, no." Shiro stepped in. "That's an invasion of privacy. We need to let him tell us on his own." Shiro looked to the door with concern. He hoped that everything was going to be alright.

 

 

 

 

Lance had run back to his room, praying that no one would follow him. This was a wreck. A complete wreck. The team was going to find out, and there was nothing he could do.

 

_What a fucking idiot you are. You're just a burden to them. You should just rid them of it all._

 

No. They'd have to deal with the body, and they might miss him! Who-

 

_Liar. You're wrong. They won't miss you._

 

Things were going wrong again. He was spiralling, but he couldn't deny the things he was thinking. He was an idiot, and now he was going to get caught. God, he was so worthless, and pathetic, and useless, and he needed to atone.

 

He made sure that the door was locked, and opened up the locked drawer by his bed using the key that he hid in his pocket.

 

In the drawer, there was a shiny piece of metal. He picked up the metal and rolled up his sleeve.

 

What followed was not pleasant for him, but he deserved it anyways. He knew this, but it was still hard.

 

He hadn't started long ago. Maybe a few months, but it had quickly escalated from small scratches that would disappear in a day to scars that would last him forever.

 

He put the thin bit of metal in the drawer and cleaned up his arm so his blood wouldn't spread everywhere and concern his friends.

 

It's not like they cared anyways, though.

 

There was a knock on his door and his heart stopped.

 

"Lance, buddy?" Hunk's came from the other side of the door. "Are you alright? You left pretty fast back there."

 

"No," Lance answered honestly.

 

"What? What's wrong?" Hunk asked, trying the knob and starting to panic when he found the door to be locked. "Lance?"

 

Lance started to answer his question, but slapped his hand over his mouth. No. This was NOT how Hunk found out. Absolutely not.

 

Lance quickly put his jacket on and threw away the bloody tissues. He tried to slow his breathing and tried to look calm. Lance opened the door to see a very nervous, very pale Hunk.

 

"Hey, big guy!" Lance greeted. He tried to say it as cheerfully as possible, but he could tell that Hunk didn't believe it for a second. "What's up?"

 

"I... I was just coming to check on you," Hunk answered. Gosh, he wishes that Lance would just tell him what's wrong. "Are you okay?"

 

"No," Lance answered again. "Ugh... please, Hunk. Don't make me talk about it. Not now." Lance's eyes looked desperate and full of sadness. Hunk couldn't say no.

 

He sighed. "Fine, Lance, but I really wish you'd tell us what's wrong. We're here for you, no matter what."

 

_Lies, lies, lies. They'd leave you if they didn't pity you so much._

 

"Sure thing, bud," Lance said. His smile looked sort of strained. "Just... Just not now."

 

Hunk nodded. He understood what his best friend needed. Lance wasn't much of a person to share his personal problems with just anyone. He had to really trust them and needed to be ready emotionally. Maybe he just wasn't there yet.

 

"Well, why don't you come and get some dinner?" Hunk suggested. He took Lance by the hand and started to lead him out the door before he could even protest. "You must be starving."

 

 

 

 

Once they reached the dining room, everyone was already sat down in their normal chairs. Lance went and filled in his usual chair next to Keith and started to make a plate of food goo. He made a point of not making direct eye contact with anyone else at the table. He really didn't feel up for a conversation in which his problems would be revealed.

 

"So, Lance?" Keith began awkwardly. "Are you going to tell us what's up?" Keith usually didn't like to be the one to do these emotional things, but obviously no one else was going to, so it looked like it was up to him.

 

"No, I'd prefer not to." Lance didn't even look up from his food.

 

 Keith was honestly a bit shocked. When did Lance ever pass up an opportunity to talk about himself? "Why not?"

 

_You don't fucking care._

 

"You don't fucking care." Lance dropped his spoon back onto his plate. "Shit!"

 

"Lance, do you really think that?" Shiro asked, voice laced with concern.

 

_Of course. Why the fuck would you care about a fuck up like me?_

 

"Lance..." Allura looked at him with tears in her eyes, and Lance assumed that he'd said his thoughts out loud again. At this point all eating had stopped and everyone was looking at Lance.

 

"I..." Lance started, but he couldn't think of anything to say. He started to panic. This was bad. This was really bad.

 

"You know we care about you, right?" Pidge's shaky voice asked. She looked scared. Her face was slightly pale and her hands were shaking. She'd never expected to hear things like this from their favorite little goofball's mouth.

 

_Well, why the fuck would you do that?_

 

"This... this is not okay," Keith said. Lance moved to run out of the room, but Keith grabbed Lance's arm. At this, Lance's eyes went incredibly wide for just a second before returning to their normal state. What the fuck?

 

"Let go of me," he mumbled. He pulled at his arm weakly, avoiding eye contact at all costs. "I... I don't want to talk about it now."

 

"Then when?" Keith was still tightly holding Lance's arm. There was no way he was just running from this.

 

"Never would be preferable," came the response.

 

"Lance, that's not an option, and you know it."

 

"Well, why don't you mind your own damn business, Keith?" Now, Lance was looking straight into Keith's eyes, and, boy, did he look pissed. "I'm fine."

 

Up until now, the rest of the team had been watching the interaction almost as if they had been trapped behind a wall of tension, but Shiro saw the situation escalating and decided he had to push through.

 

"Keith's right, Lance," he said, placing his hand on Lance's shoulder. "This seems pretty important, and we need to talk about it."

 

"God, would you all stop pitying me?!" Lance yelled, yanking his arm free and storming out of the room, leaving behind a group of very shocked paladins and Alteans.

 

"What the fuck?" Pidge whispered staring at the door from which Lance had just left.

 

Shiro was too shocked to even correct Pidge's language. "This is so much worse than we thought."

 

"We have to use the advantage we have," Keith said.

 

"What do you mean?" Allura looked over to Keith and saw his grave face.

 

"He has to tell the truth, right?" He looked over to the door. "Let's use that."

 

"Keith... I don't know," Hunk said. He really didn't feel comfortable with forcing the truth out of his friend like that.

 

"Hunk's right," Shiro agreed. "It isn't right to do that, no matter how bad this may seem."

 

"But-"

 

"No. No way, Keith." Hunk was determined now. This wasn't going to fly. "We can't do that to him. It'll crush him! He'll never trust us again."

 

Even though Keith knew this was true, he wasn't sure he could stop himself. Although he wouldn't ever say it to Lance's face, Keith really cared about him and never wanted to see him hurting. Little did he know.

 

 

 

 

_You're so fucking selfish. They're already stressed. Do you really have to dump your problems onto them too?_

 

Oh, God. Oh, God. What was wrong with him?

 

He can't just blurt things out like that. The team doesn't need this. The team doesn't need him. Honestly, he's selfish just to think that they'll care if he's gone. He can't keep on doing this... he can't. And why should he? They could find another blue paladín that's much better than him in a heartbeat. They probably only keep him around now because they pity him. There's no other reason. There can't be.

 

It's rare that he does this twice in one day, but today, he needs it. He deserves it.

 

Lance is careful and quiet. What if the team comes looking for him? What if they come in before he's done? That can't happen.

 

Lance locks himself in the bathroom. At least then the team won't find him as quickly. He takes the blade and presses it to his skin. He's careful at first, but then it turns into desperate, careless scratches and cuts.

 

He wishes he could just end it now, but he knows that he's too pathetic and weak to do that. And that makes him selfish.

 

"Lance?" That's Keith's voice. Oh, shit.

 

"Uh... yeah?" Lance responds. He tries to hide the fear in his voice as he tries to quickly clean up.

 

"You alright in there?"

 

No. Don't say it. Don't. "No." Fuck!

 

"Wow... okay. What's wrong?" Lance can hear the shock in his voice like he wasn't expecting Lance to respond like that.

 

"What isn't?" Lance flinches as he hears himself say this. It's true that his entire life is falling apart, but why does he have to be so ungrateful. What reason does he have to complain and feel sad? None. He has none.

 

"Lance... what do you mean?" Keith is trying to tread cautiously. He takes a step closer to the bathroom door, his hands shaking.

 

"I'm so selfish and ungrateful. You all would be much better off without me." Lance is still desperately trying to clean up the room and his arm. He's given up on trying to censor what he's saying.

 

"What are you talking about? We need you!"

 

"No. You don't."

 

Keith is panicking now. What the fuck is Lance talking about? "Lance, what are you doing in there? Are you okay?"

 

Keith heard the sound of muffled talking. Lance had slapped his hand over his mouth again. Nope. Not like this. Or ever.

 

"Uh..." He takes a step closer to the door again.

 

"Mind your own damn business, Keith!"

 

He closes the distance to the door and tries the knob. It's locked. There's a gasp and the sound of metal hitting the floor.

 

"What was that?" Keith shouts. He jiggles the door knob again even though he knows it won't open.

 

"A blade."

 

His heart stops.

 

"A what?" He's shaking all over now.

 

"A blade."

 

"What do you have that for?" His voice cracks.

 

"For me to-" Lance's voice becomes muffled again, and Keith bangs on the door.

 

"Lance! Lance, please! Let me help you!" He's crying now. What has Lance done?

 

"You can't help me."

 

"No! Lance, I-" He doesn't know what to do. What do you do in a situation like this? What can you do? "Shiro! Shiro, help!"

 

"Keith? No, stop! You-" Lance cries out. No. No. No. Not Shiro. He can't know too.

 

Lance hears footsteps and more shouting.

 

"Shiro, please help!"

 

"Keith? What's going on?"

 

"It's Lance! He- I- He's doing something terrible to himself!"

 

"What?"

 

"Oh my-" That's Hunk's voice now. "Lance! Why- come out here! Don't do this!" He's terrified. He can't lose his best friend. He just can't.

 

There's only silence.

 

"Lance... why?" Silent tears slide down Hunk's face, and he slides to the floor.

 

"Because... you don't need me. No one does."

 

"No! Why would you think that?"

 

"Because it's true. You all just pity me."

 

"No, Lance, we don't. We love you."

 

"Stop lying to me!" A sob is heard from behind the bathroom door. "Please..."

 

"Lance..."

 

"Goodbye."

 

"Wait... what?" Keith asks.

 

"I said... goodbye."

 

"Lance, what are you-" Shiro starts, but Lance cuts him off.

 

"Don't say anything. Don't." He sighs. "It's easier this way... for everyone."

 

"Lance!" Keith runs up to the door and hits it hard.

 

"Stop!"

 

"Oh, my God! No!"

 

Keith lets out a scream and kicks the door repeatedly. Hunk is sobbing on the floor and is incoherently saying things to try and stop Lance. Shiro just stares at the door, face blank, but eyes full of fear.

 

"What's going on?" Pidge runs up to the door with Allura and Coran close behind her.

 

"It's Lance! He- he-" Hunk tries to speak, but can't say it.

 

"He's going to kill himself! Pidge! Open the fucking door!" Keith screams. His face is contorted in rage, but tears are running down his face.

 

Pidge is completely in shock for just a second before dropping the the floor with her computer. It takes a few minutes, but it feels like hours as everyone is still screaming and Hunk and Coran are still trying to talk Lance down.

 

The door slides open and a terrified Lance can be seen. And there's blood. So much blood.

 

"Fuck! FUCK!" Keith screams and runs up to Lance. "Lance! Oh, fuck!"

 

"Coran! Go get a healing pod ready!" At the sight of Lance, Shiro snaps back into reality. They have to act fast before it's too late. But it seems they might already be just a little too late. How could they let him get this far? How could they not see what was going on?

 

Shiro runs over to Lance and tries to pry Keith off of him. He's screaming and clinging to the boy.

 

"Keith, I have to take him to the healing pod. Keith, you have to let go!"

 

Hunk walks over and grabs Keith. He picks him up as if he weighs almost nothing at all. His face is stoic. He has to keep his cool. For Lance. For Pidge. For Keith. For everyone.

 

Shiro scoops up Lance's barely conscious, limp body, and runs. He runs as fast as he can. All he can feel is fear. He's always felt fear, it's almost a constant emotion for him, but this is a new kind of fear. One that he's never felt before and hopes he will never have to feel again.

 

Coran is standing next to the healing pod and helps Shiro to gently place Lance into it. Now... they have to wait.

 

 

 

 

_Stupid._

 

_Worthless._

 

_Pathetic._

 

_Weak._

 

_Useless._

 

_They'd be so much better off without you._

 

He knows this. It's odd to think that there was a time when he didn't think this. A time when he believed that he was actually worth something. How the hell could he think that? Good thing he'd had this epiphany early in his life. But he had still lived his life believing lies for a very long time.

 

Lance heard murmuring, but saw nothing. Who was talking?

 

"-know?" It sounds like Shiro.

 

"No. I had no clue." Hunk spoke this time.

 

"None of us did," Pidge murmered.

 

"I mean..." a pause. "I knew he got sad occasionally, but he always joked about it and said he was fine! How was I to know?! How were any of us supposed to know?!" It was Keith. He sounded completely distraught.

 

"That's the thing... we weren't." Allura was speaking now. Her voice cracked as she spoke, and Lance could hear her sniff.

 

He fell out of the pod and almost landed face down on the floor before Hunk jumped out and caught him.

 

"Lance!" His face broke into a huge smile, but there was something sad hidden deep beneath it.

 

The whole team smiled and said encouraging words, but Lance could tell the smiles were forced and the words, empty.

 

"Stop." He spoke plainly. There was no reason to beat around the bush.

 

"What?" Pidge looked at Lance with an expression of sadness and confusion.

 

"I said, stop."

 

"What do you-"

 

"You don't have to fucking pity me."

 

"You think that-"

 

"No, I know it. So, stop."

 

"Lance." Keith steps forward and grabs Lance's arms. "You can't seriously think that-"

 

"Oh, no! I do not need this from you, Keith!" Lance hissed out. "All of you just need to mind your own fucking business..." He looked away to try and prevent the team from seeing a tear that slid down his cheek. Well, shit.

 

"Listen to me!" Keith shouted. Lance was shocked and looked curiously to the boy. "We love you, you asshole! You can't just leave!" His voice cracks. "Please. Don't leave us." Keith moves his hands up and down Lance's rough wrists, tears falling from his eyes. "You're necessary to us. To the team. Not just because you pilot the blue lion, but because you hold us together."

 

Lance is openly crying now, and so is the rest of the team. "Wow, Keith. I thought you were bad at emotions."

 

"Shut the fuck up."

 

Lance gave a weak laugh. "Seriously, though, thanks. That means a lot."

 

  _Even though it's not true._

 

"I apologize, Lance," Allura said. She was using the tone that she used when she was talking with leaders of another planet: stiff and formal, but there was sense of genuineness behind it this time. "I didn't see how much you were struggling, and I-" her voice cracks "I was so scared we were going to lose you."

 

_She doesn't really care._

 

"Allura, don't. You-"

 

"And I'm sorry too!" Hunk cried out. "I'm supposed to be your best friend!" He hid his face in his hands, trying to hide the tears.

 

_Look at what you've caused._

 

"Hunk! Please don't-"

 

"Oh, God, Lance!" Pidge is now screaming out. "I can't believe I almost lost you! You're like a big brother to me."

 

_Lies, lies, lies._

 

"Pidge, it's not-"

 

"Lance, my boy," Coran whispered into his ear. "Please don't ever do that again. I don't know how we'll manage." He chuckled weakly.

 

_They'll be better off._

 

"As your leader," Shiro starts. "I must insist that you talk to us for the good of the team." There we go. That's what Lance was expecting. "But as your friend," he, shockingly, continues. "Please talk to us so that we can help you." He looks at Lance with pleading eyes.

 

_You can't._

 

Despite the things that his mind is telling him, Lance can't help but feel loved and supported. He smiles at the team, genuinely this time, and says:

 

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

 

They share a group hug and for a moment, everything seems alright.

 

Lance knows that the thoughts will come back, they always do, but, for now, he supposes, Lance can take comfort in the lies .

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you thought that it was good (or at least okay)! Leave comments and kudos if so. Constructive criticism is always welcome! Just don't crush my feelings, please.
> 
> Ta ta for now, my lovelies! Hang in there!


End file.
